I want to be a pirate. I want to forfeit my current lifestyle to become a raider of the high seas. There is nothing more appealing to me than the idea of the stylized pirate. Ideally a pirate posses the most outrageous but terrific lifestyles of any of the stereotypes defined throughout history.
Let's break it down. What does it mean to be a pirate? Well I have broken it down into four main core components of the pirate life style; sword fighting, sailing, playing with guns, raiding ships, and drinking.
Swords are sick. Let's be honest nothing is cooler than a sword. My favorite type of sword would have to be that of the stereotypical pirate sword. Those thing are just meant to slice and chop anything in their paths. I feel like chopping someone in half would be immensely satisfying with a big old pirate sword. I'm not saying I'd like to straight up shear a person in two, but you know pirates did those things because it was their job. And we all know you should take some pride in what you do.
Now, sailing is fun. The feel of flying across the surface of the ocean is an absolutely exhilarating. feeling. Also learning how to maintain and keep a ship moving is kind of a dope skill to have. I'd just love to use that as a pick up line. Like, "Hey babe I know how to sail a ship". And I'd leave it at that because, if I know women that's all they want; some guy who can operate a gigantic wooden boat.
I love guns. I think that may just be like a huge Texas thing. But, anyways pirate guns are super cool. You got guns like the blunderbuss, the musket, and the flintlock pistol. Each of these weapons has an immense amount of power associated with them. For instance the blunderbuss, shot at an appropriate range, could rip a human head right off of it's body. Okay so not to be gruesome or evil. But that's kinda insane. One second someone has a head and then the next their head is gone. Fuck man that's nuts. Even bigger than the mighty blunderbuss, you have cannons. These massive things could rip another ship's hull to pieces. I've seen people load and shoot cannons in real life and let me tell you it's something else. When the cannon expels its payload there is an earth shattering "Boom". You can quite literally feel the shot from a half a mile away. So, to sum that up guns and projectile weapons are the bees knees.
So, the mainstay of being a pirate is to raid the sea. This is the most intense and exciting part of being a prate. I just want to be a part of the raiding crew that hops onto an enemy ship and wrecks shit up with the other crew. Hacking, slashing, shooting, punching. A test of one's man skills and agility. All of this violence isn't without reward of course. Raiding will come with the great amounts of gold. And gold is used to buy awesome things like guns, rum, pineapples, hookers, and so much more.
Rum. Rum. Rum. What a fun and exciting libation, Most of us can agree that alcohol is a grand old weapon against the monotony of this world. It makes just about everything more fun, except for driving. But, hey pirates don't drive. In combination with all of the previously mentioned aspects of the pirate culture, alcohol just serves as an add on to the awesomeness. Drunk sword fighting sounds awesome, dangerous, but nonetheless cool as fuck. Drunk sailing, a little interesting, but still fun as all get out. Drunk shooting, we all know that's #2 on the list of drunk redneck activities. So, it must be kinda fun. Drunk raiding. I feel like raiding while completely hammered has gotta be like playing a video game. You know take out as many people as possible with no consequence to one's self.
I'm gonna leave out all the bad things about being a pirate; scurvy, dysentery, death by sword, death by musket, death by cannon, death by hanging, death firing squad. I just want to focus on the positives. Forget the negatives. I'm pretty sure pirates weren't like "Hey man we shouldn't be doing this we could get dysentery."
So yarrrrrgggg and whatever.Just remember that September 19th is national Speak Like a Pirate Day. I expect some pirate type tweets from yah mateys.
No comments:
Post a Comment